Torn
by ctoan
Summary: Seth tries to deal with the fallout from Marissa's death, in a Sethlike fashion. Written for the Third OCSFC Challenge.


It had been five days since graduation - five days since the four of them had broken into the model home. It was five days since they'd thought their lives were going to change completely and five days since they'd realized how right they'd been and how completely unprepared they were.

It had been two days since Marissa's funeral. Two days since someone his age was buried forever. It wasn't like no one he'd known had ever died before - his grandmother, his grandfather, Johnny. Though Johnny didn't really count because he didn't even know the guy. Although he'd been little when his grandmother died, he did remember it. He'd been sad, because his grandmother had always given him the best hugs. He'd been sad when his grandfather died, but mostly because his mom had been so upset. They were both really old though and had lived long, fulfilling lives - as well as an evil and deceptive life, in the case of his grandfather. Marissa hadn't been old or lived a long, fulfilling life. Marissa also didn't give great hugs because she was so angular and awkward, but that didn't make it any less sad.

It had been five days since he'd last seen Summer laugh or even smile; two days since Ryan had left the pool house. Five days since his world as he knew it had been shattered; two days since he'd seen Ryan in anything but sweats and a t-shirt.

It had been two hours since he'd last been to the pool house to see Ryan. He crossed the patio and knocked on the pool house door, not expecting an answer. He entered anyway, because no one would ever see Ryan if they waited for an invitation. These days, Ryan didn't want to see or talk to anyone. They'd all been taking turns visiting him though – his mom, his dad, him – sitting with him, quietly letting him know that he wasn't alone in this.

"Hey." Seth dropped into the chair at the foot of Ryan's bed. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Every other time Seth had been in the pool house, Ryan had lain on his side, staring blankly out the window while Seth sat in the chair. Seth spent his time with Ryan trying to figure out what happened, how Marissa could be dead instead of sailing on a boat with her father where she was supposed to be, temporarily out of their lives instead of permanently. Every once in a while, a thought popped into his head that he wanted to share, but he had to keep it to himself because he knew that Ryan wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

He was surprised then, when Ryan sat up and ran his hand over his face as though trying to rub the sleep and depression away. "It doesn't seem real." Ryan leaned back against his bed, as though saying it out loud knocked the wind out of him.

"I know." Seth perked up. He'd been waiting patiently for Ryan to want to talk. Patiently on the outside, that was. On the inside, his mind wouldn't stop and he needed to let it out. Soon. He needed someone to talk to as he tried to make sense of what had happened. Ryan was always his best sounding board and Seth needed to talk out loud to make sense of what happened. Ryan, on the other hand, never said much until he had mulled things over in his mind. Seth had been waiting for Ryan to be ready to talk, so they could figure things out together. And now, not only had Ryan responded to him, he'd expressed exactly what Seth had been feeling. "It's like it didn't really happen, you know? Like, maybe it's all a horrible dream, and we'll wake up soon."

Ryan fingered the bandage on his head. "It happened though. I've got the aches and pains to remind me just how real it was."

_Inside and out_, Seth wanted to add, but he managed to keep his thoughts within the confines of his own brain, something he was getting better at with all the practice he'd had in the past few days. "I mean, you and Marissa were meant to be."

"No, we weren't."

"Yes, you were." Seth didn't know why he had to argue this with Ryan, why it was important that it be true.

"We always made things worse when we were together. We could never make it work."

"But you would have. Eventually, you guys would have figured it out. It would always be the four of us."

"Marissa was leaving. For good. You and Summer were going east, to different colleges. It was never going to be the four of us again."

"Marissa would have come back." Seth could feel his throat constricting as he tried to convince Ryan. "Summer and I would come back."

"Grow up, Seth." He swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Nothing lasts forever."

As Ryan walked to the bathroom, Seth sat there stunned. Ryan wasn't right. Ryan couldn't be right. Some things lasted. His parents lasted. They had rough spots and tough times, but they got through it and still loved each other. They stayed together. He and Summer would too.

* * *

It had been three hours since he'd spoken to Ryan, or rather, since Ryan had spoken to him. He'd waited five days for Ryan to open up, five days he'd been expecting Ryan to help him sort out his thoughts, and all that had happened was that Ryan had confused him further. What if Ryan was right? No matter how hard he tried, he wouldn't be able to hold onto things the way he wanted them. Ryan hadn't wanted Marissa to die and she'd died anyway. Died in his arms. 

What if he lost Summer that easily? She was leaving for Brown in the fall and he wouldn't be in Providence until the winter semester. She could easily find someone new, move on without him while he was waiting in Newport to join her. And these days, Summer was all about the moving on.

While Ryan coped by sequestering himself in his pool house, burying himself in his bed and doing nothing, Summer took an opposite approach. She was a girl with a mission and had spent the two days since the funeral determined to reorganize her room and get ready to go away. She sorted her closets, packing her heavier winter clothing in suitcases. She cleaned out her drawers, throwing out things she felt were childish, saving only the things that reminded her of Marissa and packing them in boxes marked 'Marissa' and 'high school'. She spent hours with paint chips and material swatches, planning to redo her room so it didn't look, in her words, like a teenaged girl's room. It was all Seth could do to hold his tongue to remind her that she was still a teenaged girl.

But while she was lively, Marissa's death had taken the life out of her. She kept busy so she wouldn't think about Marissa, but every time she came across something that reminded her of Marissa, even if it was as inconsequential as a shirt of hers that Marissa had borrowed or a movie ticket stub, she'd stop and stare at it. When Seth was there, she'd try to explain to him what it meant, but invariably she'd start crying and give up the effort. Once she packed away whatever piece of memorabilia it was, she'd pull herself together and move on until she came across the next thing that would upset her. Nothing she came across ever made her laugh or smile – Seth hadn't seen her do that since the last afternoon they'd all spent together in the model home.

With the sweeping away of her high school self, Seth was becoming worried that he'd be part of that too, especially after talking to Ryan. And that was why, after much thinking and brooding – three hours was about all he could take of it and he wondered how Ryan could spend days brooding without going out of his mind – he'd called Summer and convinced her to take a break from her life changing activities. He'd pointed out that she had two months before she left and had copious amounts of time to finish packing, rearranging, sorting, and renovating. How often did he offer to take her to her favorite restaurant? The fact that it was one of Newport's nicer restaurants, which meant a suit and tie for him and cocktail dress for Summer, which was adult behavior, meant she was more apt to agree with it.

They were quiet through dinner, though not for lack of trying on Seth's part. Every time he tried to joke, to quip, to snark, she'd just look at him with sadness etched on her face. He did everything he could to make her smile, and when he couldn't, he felt like she was slipping even farther away from him.

Once they had their dessert and were drinking their coffee, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the small box he'd purchased on his way to pick up Summer.

"What is that?" she asked, eyeing the box warily.

"Summer," he started. He'd worked out what he wanted to say all afternoon, but the words flew out of his head when faced with actually saying them. "Okay, look. I don't want to lose you. I want us to be together always, and I want to make sure you know that. I don't want to spend our time together arguing and breaking up and not spending the time together. I don't want to take that chance."

"What are you talking about?"

Seth got up from his chair and knelt down in front of her on one knee. He took her hand and looked earnestly into her eyes. "Summer Roberts, will you spend the rest of your life with me?" He opened the box and revealed the ring with a, well, honestly, not that big of a diamond because his parents refused to give him a credit card with any kind of decent limit. "Will you marry me?"

"Ohmygod." And finally, the look he'd been wanting to see on her face appeared. She smiled and it reached her eyes. Then it went a step further and she was laughing. "Are you serious, Cohen?"

Laughter wasn't exactly the response he was looking for.

Upon registering the look on his face, she started laughing harder. "Ohmygod, you are serious."

Utterly humiliated, he stood up and sat back down in his chair. While a part of him was happy that he'd finally lifted her out her funk, a greater part of him wished he was like Superman when Lois died the car crash and he could spin the earth backwards to have a do-over for the past few minutes.

"Oh, Seth." She managed to get herself under control again. She got up and came over to him, sitting on his lap and taking his face in her hands. "I didn't mean no, I'm never going to marry you. I meant, we're barely eighteen and have to get through college."

"No, I know that." He tried to blow it off like he wasn't embarrassed but they both knew different. "I just… I don't want to end up like Marissa and Ryan, not together and then something happens and we'll never get to do it. I mean, we've done it, done it and I thoroughly enjoy it." This earned him a punch to the shoulder. "I mean, get married and be together forever."

"Marriage doesn't mean forever, Seth. Look at my dad with two failed marriages. The Coopers. The Wards."

"But my parents…"

"Your parents are the exception around here, not the rule." She kissed him deeply. "Look, we're all a little freaked out by the accident. Let's not do anything rash, okay?"

"You're the one talking about renovating your room."

She laughed again and this time, Seth felt good about her laughter. She leaned in against him and breathed deeply. "You don't want me to change my room?"

"I like the way your room looks. I like the way you look in your room." He dipped his head to her ear and whispered, "Especially when you're naked."

She giggled against his neck. He smiled, and then looked up to see the maitre d' standing beside their table with the check. The maitre d' was most definitely not giggling or smiling with them.

"We were just going," Seth said.

Summer got up off his lap while he paid. As they walked out the door, she reached her hand into his pocket and scooped the ring box out. "You know," she said. "Lots of girls wear diamond rings on their right hands. Sort of like a promise ring."

"Oh, they do, do they?" Seth tried to reach for the box but she put it behind her back. He backed her against the car door. "Well." He pulled her against him and kissed her. "If you promise that that's all you'll be wearing tonight, I'll let you keep it."

She smiled at him against him lips. "Oh, I promise."

THE END


End file.
